Short and sweet

Lets just say, I have had the best day ever…

Tomorrow I start class, Im SOOO nervous.

Oh btw, I finished the big bag that I was making my friend, its custom just for her lol.

Girls night out

Last night I went out for some much needed girl time, ugh I had so much fun. Nicki did my hair and Ashley did my make up and even though I was wearing scrubs (I went after work), I looked like I was ready for a prom night or something lol. we just did girly things, and ate taco bell (hehe) and it was fun. Thanks girls for all of the love and gifts you gave me <3.

Thats right I was modeling in my scrubs at 2 A.M with my make up and hair all ‘did’ up :D.

Thanks girls!

P.s.- pray I get through work, I feel like a hangover without the hangover just because of lack of sleep lol

Change

Yesterday was my last week day off before school starts so I wanted to spend it doing the things I absolutely love to do – crocheting. ok… I did talk myself into cleaning the house a little bit before I started. I went to buy some yarn for a purse that Im  making and while I was at AC MOORE’s I found this windchime.

I took it to Seths grave with my yarn and a blanket to find that everything that was around the headstone was broken into pieces and laying all over the grave. I had two solar lights, a butterfly on a stick and a snow globe that my mom put out there  and it was all smashed up. I know what it was, they have this giant mower and the funeral home just mows right over everything cause they dont care. Technically your not supposed to have anything out on the grave unless its flowers in the vase but I dont care, thats probably why they didnt care either. So I hung this windchime in the middle of the tree next to his grave.

I hope it stays. I sat there for a couple of hours and crocheted. I didnt cry but im just really down. I heard an owl wake up in the tree above me and hoot for about 10 seconds before I never heard it again, there were a few mocking birds, it was nice and peaceful.

I want to finish school but I want to have a baby. It wouldnt be so bad if everyone else wasnt posting there pictures of their babies all over but I know I would be doing the same thing so I cant be upset. Im just ready, I really want a baby…. its not my time though I guess.

Its been 7 months today and even though we were and are not planning for another one, I somehow thought that by now I would have been pregnant again.

On another note, Im proud of my baby sister, she’s graduating high school in a couple of weeks. Her pictures came in and shes beautiful :). ok, now Im crying lol, I love her, shes my best friend.

anyways, shes beautiful! Just thought Id share :).

 

 

Those days

… Those days when your heart feels like mush…. today. I have a good friend who had a baby today. and a cousin who had a baby a couple of days ago.. of course its everywhere. Im happy for them, but Im not happy for me. Its especially hard when the friend who had a baby (who is at the same hospital that you work at) isnt that close with you anymore but of course wants to share pictures and whatever- that can just bring on more anger. I just feel slightly defeated. I have to get over it. Im not angry/mad/throwing a fit… just, … sad.

Ive been crocheting my brains out to make myself feel better, heres what I got… all baby/ photo prop items. (my next project is a purse).

yeah so… thats about it.

I start physics in exactly one week and Im a nervous wreck

my thoughts are…..

*How am I going to handle 9-1 school/2-10 work, and fit homework in? How am I going to get through a whole physics text book in 1 month and actually understand it? How am I going to have time for myself or my husband or cleaning or cooking…? How am I going to sleep?

I know I just have to do it, just really scary, its the hardest class and the dean has already spoken to us and told us, 1/4 of each physics class fails every month. AGHHH :(. I dont want to fail cause this class cost me about $2000. :O

Until them, Im going to keep crocheting. and trying to mentally prepare myself.

Its for the best… I guess?

This is my second post today… unusual but I guess Im just feeling a little different this evening. Maybe a little down… I dont really know? its weird. I guess. Steven is out of town working and Im finally home from work now that its 11pm.

I just feel a little disappointed I guess. things sometimes just dont go the way I plan but I have to remember, its for the best.

I also think I lost a friend recently. Thats hard. There is this tension between us anyway for certain reasons but, a friendship that has been built for years and somehow always finds its way back to the middle when we kind of go away from each other- thats hard to just throw away. Maybe its for the best. Its interesting how you can feel an emotion for someone else isnt it. Jealousy that they have what I want, sorrow that you cant be as close as you want,  selfish that you want them to be happy but not to go away.

Tonight Im going to crochet to feel better but I wish I had someone to talk to . I wish Steven was home. I wish I had a friend that was right here lol. I wish Steven had a normal job where he worked in town and stayed at home, this is too much. Too lonely.

Im not really sad or down or crying, I just feel off. Im even listening to music that I dont normally listen too…..?

but anywho… just thought Id vent before I work on my next project.

lots of love.

Crochet, work and school

I have been addicted to crocheting lately. Its crazy, its all I think about and I cant sleep- that is pretty sad lol. I am super addicted to bulky/ chunky yarn too! its amazing, you can knock out a project (that would take you a month in regular yarn) in about 30 minutes! its amazing!!! Its just a little more expensive though. So Im probably going to make chunky yarn blankets for the hospital stillbirth boxes because Ive been taking too long and I need to get those out soon.

Heres my latest projects I did today and last night.

^ this turtle is a photo prop, its supposed to be used for this

> and yes that is where I bought the pattern from, I just made it a little different cause I didn’t want it to look exactly the same.

 

On another note…

I went to school yesterday for my last prep class before physics starts, the students were really encouraging and I cant wait to start the sonography program. It is going to be a lot of work but this is what I want. A girl told a story about her last clinical. She got called to the OB floor (at the hospital that I work at) and a lady who was 39 weeks pregnant lost her baby and she had to do the scan to confirm it. She said it was the hardest thing she has seen. I almost teared up as she talked about it. That is why I want to do this. I want to comfort those women, empower them with love and hope and a future. I need to be apart of this, that is why I changed my major, this IS my calling. I need to do this.

I need extra strength though and I pray every day that God will help me get through these classes and clinicals with a clear and open mind, mental strength, and guidance for a kind heart.

Im going to love my job 🙂

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

Since Ive gotten rid of facebook I just havnt gotten on the computer much anymore, I guess that is a good thing.

This weekend we went to the Awanas Grand Prix , all the kids at church got to race their little cars they made. Steven , I, and my father in law judged the looks of the cars and My father in law and I cooked the burgers and hot dogs on the grill. It was cute.

Today (Sunday) we went to Islands of Adventure. It was fun.

Tonight we watched Undercover Boss (budget blinds). I cried like a baby because the boss got to know this guy who was adorable. He was just a big teddy bear. The man working for the company lost his son (who had 5 grand kids).  He cried like a big baby when the boss gave him $40,000 to remodel his house to better accommodate his family for gatherings in remembrance of his son. I cried like a baby too. It was very touching.

Ive made some cool new crocheted things this week… I think I want to focus on baby props for my etsy store that I hope to open in the future.

Here are the things I made.

^ I made this for a cousins daughter that is due to arrive this month.

^ I made this and am giving it to my sister for her youth camp auction so she can make some money to go, its her last year. Im in the process of making matching booties to go with it :).

so yeah, thats about it.

Its been a good week. Work has been a little stressful but other than that, its been good. School starts on the 30th (physics) ugh lol.

 

so far away

My word,

it has been so bumpy lately. Steven has taken another stab at quitting chewing tobacco and has been more successful than in the past, in four hours it will be 6 days since hes’ quit.

My mom got married on Easter night.

I got rid of Facebook.

I am almost done with the second book of The Hunger Games (its called Catching Fire).

I’ve had more than a dozen major mood swings.

I start class on April 30th. Cant wait till that is over.

Still thinking of babies.

I have nightmares every night.

Need a break from life.

Although its scary to think of death and/or the rapture. Its all I think about anymore. It is not easier knowing that one day Ill see Seth, its just better knowing that every day, Im one day closer.

Its all too much for my tiny little brain to wrap around. That Seth is up there and I am down here. Its so far away.

 

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
‘Cause I’m still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place

Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

By myself

A wife who loses her husband is a widow, a husband who loses his wife is a widower, a child who loses their parent is an orphan, a woman who loses her child has no name.

I think the hardest part of losing a child is feeling lonely. Feeling like you have nothing to hold on to when everything else failed. A husband can leave you, a friend can walk away, but your child will be your child forever. Although Seth is still my son forever, he’s not here to talk to and coo at and dress everyday. It is lonely. I shouldnt have but I was looking at my baby shower pictures. I so badly want to use all of that cute stuff.

Its scary to think that things are different and will be different. Places are different, home is different.

I have to get back on track.

by myself.

Summertime

Ive been doing fine… but today Im angry. Maybe thats apart of being a woman. I do not want to go to Easter Sunday service. How selfish does that sound? My Jesus died a cruel and inhumane death and I dont want to go thank him this Sunday all because the little kids will be running around in their cute Easter outfits. I dont want to go to lunch after church. I dont want to spend money cause gas is $4 a gallon. I dont want to not exercise but Im cramping and miserable. I dont want to get on facebook because of all the babies/baby name/ baby gender talk. I dont want to be home because Im tired of cleaning, of arguing, of being stressed out. I want to get my own studio where I can go and lay down and sleep and be alone when I want to just be by myself. Im tired of being the one to do everything, clean everything, work for everything, and its not enough still.  Is it too ridiculous to be mad that a $100 bowl that cooks things, my husband is putting dogfood in UGHHH, I want to scream.

Im beyond stressed out. Im so sick of these summer months already and its only spring. UGH, this is soooooo much harder than christmas and thanksgiving. Those were one day. These hot warm months are MONTHS of the same thing I experienced last year. All of the smells, memories, heat. All of the people that have had babies and MORE are pregnant now since last year this time. Im so sick of it. Im sick of people asking me EVERY Sunday when were gonna have a baby. EVERY WEEK.

Im promising myself this week that I am going to get rid of my facebook after I save all of my pictures to photobucket or somewhere where they will be safe. I cant stand to look at peoples kids anymore. Im not trying to be mean but nothing is getting easier. Its getting 10 times harder everyday. Every day passing knowing that Im no where close to meeting my next child. I dont have that goal to look forward to like most middle-aged adults. That is the downside to being young. When Im healthy and want kids, my partner is not ready of course.

So if your reading this from facebook and have any of the slightest desire to read this in the future, follow the blog itself before I get rid of facebook.

—–“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” —–
– George Martin