Sigh of relief

Today was my first ultrasound, from what I remember my LMP was 4-6-12. So I thought I was 7 weeks and 6 days. Well, I was pretty dern close! The baby measured 7 weeks and 5 days. YAY. The doctor started the ultrasound (the early ones are always akward, especially when you have a man doctor), and for a second I took some deep breaths because I was so scared. He said well…. theres the flicker? You see the flicker? This is a good pregnancy, its going to work! … Oh my word, relief is all I can say. A big burden lifted. I felt like an idiot because I needed to relax my legs after he said that cause I was all tensed up and started having back spasms so my legs started to shake like jello and he asked if I was ok lol…. *awkward*.

The heart beat was 167, the baby still looked like an alien of course cause its so early but Im so happy to hear that this is good, everything is fine, the baby is growing perfectly. Thank Jesus.

We were surprised there wasnt two, I just felt like we could have had twins, but Im happy with one healthy baby!

Baby rainbow is due on 1-12-13 and I cant wait till he makes his debut!!!

Time is going by fast thank God.

I get another ultrasound in two and a half weeks. The doctor said he’ll have another extensive ultrasound at the high risk doctor done for me when I hit around 17 weeks and then I can know the gender. He said in the third trimester I will have to wear a monitor so they can monitor the baby’s movement and heart rate which is fine by me! that actually makes me feel so much better. He also said in the third trimester I will have a visit every other week between him and the high risk doctors at Maternal Fetal Medicine so I can be monitored. Woot.

The doctor is so nice, Im glad.

Oh, and Steven made it! That was nice. Except, … they are out of work, the contractors took the contract away that they were working on so…

yeah… a lot ahead of us, one day at a time.

Stay safe rainbow.

Get going

Tomorrow at 8 Am I have a doctors appt. My first ultrasound. Im excited, scared, and emotional. I cry just thinking about the ultrasound coming. I dont think Steven will be able to come. He really wants to but there is a lot of work they have to do.

Thank goodness I have this weekend off so Krista and I are probably going to go visit our men out where they are working. Im excited, it is right on a lake so I want to go fishing, woot.

Im going to employee health today to get that bump behind my knee checked out.

guess I should get ready…

ugh, another day of work.

Swollen knee?

Im trying not to be paranoid but I am sort of freaking out. Today was a very busy day. I went to the beach with my sister and friend. we came home and painted some more boxes for the hospital, played the xbox kinect, and then I wiped down and vacuumed out my car. When I got in the shower tonight I was washing down my legs and noticed that behind my left knee in the crease there is a round swollen spot the size of a small orange. It does not hurt but its scaring me. I dont want it to be a blood clot or something scary/scarier.

I dont want to go to the doctor and them tell me that Im crazy. I guess Ill see what it looks like tomorrow. I have a financial aid appt before work tomorrow in the morning so Im praying that in the morning ALL swelling is gone so I dont have to go to the doc. Im just so scared and emotional and really upset that my husband is not here to talk to  me about all this so he can hold me and ease my fears. Hes so good at that and Im having such a hard time not seeing him (because of his work schedule). I absolutely hate this.

MOST EXCITING TIME OF MY LIFE

Final PHY 2001Assessemt for CH

Your Final Grade is a B.

When I opened my email and saw this I cried like a baby!!! I DID IT! I NOT ONLY PASSED THE CLASS I GOT A—>  B!!!!!! THANK YOU JESUS! I spent like 2 hours praying the day before because I was so overwhelmed I was crying, I even cried during my final because I couldnt stand the thought of taking that class again. I DID IT. THE NEXT TIME I GO TO SCHOOL (may 2013) I WILL BE IN ULTRASOUND SCRUBS YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!! ITS SO CLOSE, Im so close to finishing school. THIS IS AMAZING. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING- I DID IT!!!!

Now I can enjoy the rest of this pregnancy, relax spend the rest of the summer with my girls Courtney and Megan and Erin and Kayla and Shay and Jamie… AHHHH IM SO EXCITED. I LOVE THIS.

This is it

Wow I feel so guilty but its been a month since I went to sit at Seth’s grave. I dont feel a giant connection with him there but it’s a place for me to remember him. I have just been so busy with school.

It was nice, when I got to the cemetery someone had put a little beanie baby dog on Seth’s stone. It was so cute and thoughtful, I cried, I still don’t know who did it.

I was surprised that the windchime was still hanging from the tree.

It was the first time I have been to the grave since I have known I was pregnant. I told him about his baby sibling. I told him about how nervous I feel. About the pregnancy, about school, about the pregnancy… did I say the pregnancy?

I know he would have LOVED this baby!

 

School is school and Thursday is the last day!!!!! All I need to do is make a 60 on my quiz, final, and post test in order to pass this class. that is harder said than done because his tests are REDICULOUS so Im TERRIFIED, I want this to be over so I can relax, not be exhausted, and start focusing on good thoughts instead of disgusting physics. PRAY FOR ME, I NEED TO PASS!!!

alright wish me luck on feeling good tomorrow and soaking up 5 chapters so I can pass.

There go my boys….

And they’re off…. another looong week. Man, I didnt think it would be hard but now Im starting to think, I wont see my husband for another 6 nights. Im so thankful that they have work but so sad that I am emotionally hormonal and will have to deal with these goodbyes for a whole year. I must say, this week- it will be good for me because I need to study because I have 2 quizzez, a final, a paper, and 2 homework assignments all to get done between Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday before I say goodbye to this crazy class! So maybe this week wont be so bad if I dont procrastinate and finish out strong.

I just pray that the boys are safe and they come home soon. I miss them already and they probably left about ten minutes ago.

ok, enough procrastinating, I need to write my paper.

Giving him away

I read a woman’s stillbirth blog about how she spent time with her son after he was born. It made me wonder… did I not love Seth any more because I didnt not spend that much time with him before they took him away. I didnt ask for more time, I didnt stay that long. Within 5 hours of giving birth I left the hospital and maybe maximum one of those hours I had Seth in my arms.

I loved Seth, more than I have ever loved anyone else. I think God gave me Seth to show me what His love is like because I never understood a parents love, let alone, love THAT amazing and strong. I loved him but right away when he was born I just knew it. It’s like I’ve heard pastor say when Mrs.Glenda passed away by his side. “She was just the house that the spirit was living in and her look completely changed when she took her last breath”. Seth looked different. He did not look like a human because he was not. He was a shell that a spirit was housed in. He was the shell that I was just holding, while his being was not there. He did not have an expression, there was no connection when I looked in his eyes. Of course I got no response of his love for his mother because he was not there. Like a snail, his shell was in my arms, and his little snail body was sitting up in heaven.

I have to come to terms with myself that it was ok to not spend a whole day with Seth before I left because he was not in my arms, as much as I wanted him to be. Seth was beautiful and I will never regret having that baby boy change my life, but I need to remember that His real personality, traits, and beauty was first seen by God. He never had to take a breath into this crazy world.

When Seth took his first breath, he was sitting in Jesus’ arms, already enjoying the benefits of a perfect life. Some people wait a lifetime to get that chance and Seth just took it while it was early.

To my baby, you opened my eyes.

I never felt what God could be, till you opened my eyes to the vastness that this world is more than me and God is bigger than this world. I understood because for the first time in my adult life I stared death in the face and I got it. I felt it. I felt death. I felt its taste and knew what it was. It is the separation of body and soul, and that is it. You can see it in their eyes. in their face, in their limp body. I got it. I experienced its grip first hand through my son. It was like I felt it altogether. because Seth IS a piece of me and I felt him go to heaven. It is a feeling like no other, and although it did not feel good to physically lose my baby, I am greatful that God opened my eyes to the realness. There is no way that there is no God. When you see Him and feel Him through something this big, there is no way it could all be a made up story. God seems more real and seriously in my face more today than any other time.

Im not here to preach and I have always believed in God but in a weird way I want to remind myself of how I felt right at that moment when I said goodbye to him. It wasnt my last, I will see him again.

I think God will gift Rainbow with a compassionate heart and when the time is right he/she will learn of Seth and Im sure, be sad, but greatful that we have a chance to see him again.

The reason behind school… and other rantings

Some of you know and some of you dont, After being a semester away from the Nursing program, I decided to switch my major to ultrasound. I did not do it for the reason I tell everyone in person. I am not doing it because it “sounds cool and fun”. I am doing this because my son changed my life.

My motivation is different from yours and although I may not make the best grade in the class I WILL pass this class and WILL conquer it because I need to  be a Sonographer.

A mother’s instinct knows. When I went in for my ultrasound to find out why Seth wasnt moving, I cried all the way to the birthing center because I knew. When Samantha did my ultrasound in the office, she handled it all very well. She did not act like a robot, she cried with me, she walked away, came back, offered tissues, shook with fear, she felt everything I felt. I went to the hospital to have another ultrasound to confirm everything and the technologist was very nice, she looked at me, with eyes that said  sorry and she didnt say anything, it was the best thing she could have ever done. I need to be that person that does the right thing. There are so many people out there that expect to see pretty moving babies and forget that this is a diagnostic test, its done to make sure that nothing is wrong.

I am glad to have the experience of working in the health field. I have found that it is ok to sympathize with the patient. I can hold their hand and talk to them, its ok.

It is WAY more common than I thought. Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Birth defects. I have met more women than I want to that have gone through these situations since Seth was born.

He is my motivation. Without him, we would not have this baby that is coming. Without Seth I would not have the motivation that I have.

 

On the side. Im beyond livid. My doctor told me that he would see me extra and give me extra ultrasounds so I was scheduled for a 4 week ultrasound. When I got their the doctor said no its best to do it at 6 weeks. Now they called today and said that they wont be able to see me till 9 weeks to do it because they are all booked????? what do you mean your booked??? I made my appt 2 weeks early and you call me the day before to tell me that you cant do it again after I made an appt wayyyy ahead of time???? GEEEZZZ UGHH, i want to scream. Less treatment for more high risk. I had my first ultrasound with Seth earlier than I will have my first ultrasound for this baby and this one is high risk, What The Crap!!!!!

anyways, I have a ton of work to do this week to finish this class so wish me luck. ❤

P.s.- Im missing Steven already,we thought work was picking up a few months ago and it didnt but now they have new contracts and have rented a house a few hours away from home so they dont have to rent hotels for all those months of work. Sunday afternoon Steven will start leaving for a week at a time for the next year, like last year. Its hard, Ill miss him and be emotional but  Im thankful for the work he has.

school vent

Im so exhausted I cant wait till this class is over, Im like a zombie forcing myself to get up and do things. I work 2-10 so this morning , in like 20 minutes, Im supposed to meet some girls from school to study. I am just sick to my stomache about this class. I have had hives all week that come and go. I NEED to pass, I cant do this to myself AGAIN for another month. UGHH. The teachers attitude is the worst part, he dosnt put my grades in, accuses me of turning my stuff in late, cheating, and being stupid…… ????? I am an ALL friggin A student, seriously, you think I would try to fail this class on purpose???? Hes so stupid and he does not know how to talk to people at all, its like his brain is programmed and if you throw him a question he panics because he got off track of his lecture… hes so rediculous. I have 2 quizzez, 1 final, 1 paper, and 3 homework assignments left before this class ends next Thursday and I just want to lay in bed and cry. I HAVE to pass this. I dont want to stress the baby out for another month, that is my MAIN concern.

Dear Jesus, PLEASE- all I need is a 70 to pass this class. You know my needs and anxiety level, I cannot do this again, get me through and help me remember and apply all that I have learned (taught myself)!

Stay safe rainbow.

❤

Heres to another morning (sickness)

I think I did well on my physics midterm!Ill find out this morning, if I ever get there. i have 20 minutes till I have to leave and I cant get up, UGH. I am trying so hard to eat but Im just pushing my food around like a child. Im starving but the smell and taste of anything, I gag at just seeing it. I have been just looking at my food crying for ten minutes. sooo hungry.

Im glad I have today off, although I have to clean, grocery shop, and study…. at least I can do it on my own time after school today cause I just feel like throwing up all over.

Stay Safe Rainbow.

P.S.- I took in all of the boxes, blankets and hats that we made for the hospital stillbirths and the nurses loved them they were so greatful. They said that everyone forgets about their mom and baby unit (at the hospital I work at) because most people send their donations to the childrens hospital in town. It felt so good to do something good and the nurses were beyond excited, their faces lit up and she kept saying, you dont know what it means to these women to have these. To avoid my crying hormones, I smiled and said, … I know. and turned around and walked away as they scrummaged through their goodies. Thank God for such a compassionate heart.