Bring your burdens to me

I dont even know where to begin…

While everyone is worried about their appearance, their schoolwork, their night out on the town, other people are living in a world of chaos. You really never know how someone feels. It is so heartbreaking.

Sometimes when you feel like you have no one to talk to, No one that even cares what is happening in your life, No one that even asks- My momma always taught me one thing.  That it does not matter. God sees your every move. He sees you crying. He has bottled up every tear that has come out of your eyes. He is listening. There are times when you wonder when you will finally hear Him.

When will He call you.

It is here.

Be quiet.

Shhhhh…

listen.

This is my prayer.
I wish I had someone who knew. Who understood. Im not scared for me or my family. I just hurt because my mom hurts. I want her to feel better so bad. I want her healed. I want her pain free. This is the woman who gave me everything to get where I am. She provided me with every tool I ever needed in life and every idea to believe that I can do WHATEVER I want to do. No one else could have made me who I am because no one could have encouraged me to keep going like she has. No one has ever encouraged me like she is. Every time I ever doubted myself she reversed that doubt. No one has ever… ever…. ever cared for me the way my mom is caring for me still today. No one will ever know the friendship my mom has provided me with. When I literally have no friends, she is my friend. When I have friends, she is my friend. I look up to every way she has handled every situation. For the bravest and most intelligent woman I know, there is no reason God will not heal her. God, you have told me plenty of times that you are in control. You are. You have plans for us to prosper. I pray for complete healing, miraculous healing, unquestionable healing. Healing that will make this doctor believe in You. I pray for zero pain. For an overly well functioning body, soul, and mind. There is no God like you. There is no friend like you. There is no comfort like you. When we feel like not one person truthfully feels what we feel, remind us that you do and that you are taking care of it so we can show others in the future what true love feels like. Give us strength, give us hope, give us healing.

Tonight it is going to be very hard to study because I would rather be fasting and praying. While I will pray fervently, I hate that school would get in my way at all.

Tonight Im going to close my eyes and pray for every person who does not know where the next corner will take them, pray that they find peace and a true loving friend.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

John 14:27  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Welcome baby!

Its been such a long time because— you guessed it- Brea was born!!!!!!!

I have had such a hectic 3 weeks that I feel very much like I have lost 10 years of my life.

It was so hard to keep it a secret, I didnt want to come out and write my induction date (because we wanted to soak up Brea to ourselves in those first hours) but I was induced at exactly 38 weeks for my hypertension and I was ready. Brea was born on December 28th at 11:49 AM.  My pitocin started at 4:50 AM and I was 4cm dialated coming into the hospital. at 7:40 the Doctor came in and broke my water, my mother in law showed up soon after. My mom showed up around 9:30 (she was not feeling well  so she came later) when my contractions were getting a little out of hand. I was breathing through them but with much difficulty. At 10 AM I begged for an epidural, I was 6 cm then. 10:30 AM the epidural was in and it was AMAZING- no regrets, I totally felt better. the nurse checked me and I went to 10 cm in just that time that I was getting the epidural done. Around 11 AM I started to push and with each contraction (because I felt the urge very much to push).Steven stood on my left and held my leg and whispered how amazing I was doing. My mother inlaw held my right leg because my mom was in a lot of pain (but I know my mom would have loved to) Im glad my mom stood right next to me on the right and told me how close Brea was.  I was so excited that she was finally coming so I pushed with all my might :). My doctor came through the door at just the right time (after he had been drug stat to another room on his way to delivering my baby). Speaking of, I love my doctor,  he was great with the delivery and care of the pregnancy and baby… I pushed about 3 times once the doctor was there and there she was, screaming in my arms. I couldnt help but cry. We all cried. It was the best moment of my life. My baby was here, moving, screaming, and breathing. She was all mine now. Every one on the whole floor seemed excited for me. The nurses took the baby and cleaned her, Steven went with them 🙂 (he was very sick that day and night but he was totally involved and excited). Brea’s face and arm was bruised just from the way she came out of the birth canal but she was perfect either way. I didnt sleep for the next two nights. Overwhelming fear of her choking, not eating, and me not knowing what to do kept us both up. I winded up sleeping for like 1 whole hour with her in my arms in the bed, I dont care what the nurses said, I was going to hold her if I wanted.

We stayed from Friday to Sunday and we needed all the time we could get at the hospital so we could get all of those first time parent questions answered. We were clueless and completely fearful. But this was the most exciting time of our life.

We went home Sunday afternoon and on New Years went back to the hospital because Brea’s eye was infected and her Jaundice was terrible. They ran tests and admitted her due to the high bilirubin. She had to be kept under UV lights with these goggle things on her eyes. I was a mess. I cried all night long and I was exhausted- pumping and feeding EVERY two hours on the dot. Finally at 2 AM I broke down and called my mom and cried into the phone for about 10 minutes before I heard this desperate “Im so sorry, I wish I could be there for you right now”.

Automatic fear… I heard something in my momma’s voice that I have never heard before…. At that same time, my mom was across town, in the main hospital. She had been in pain for months and finally had it. She went to the ER and they told her that they found cancer. I lost it when she just said “I have to tell you something”…. I knew already what it was. I fell in my chair in that hospital peds room and screamed. (To this day I do not know how no one else heard me and came to check on me). I cried so hard that my face was puffy and  tomato red… How could I be sitting here complaining about getting no sleep and not knowing how to handle this baby (the thing I have prayed for all this time) while my mom was sitting alone in a hospital stretcher waiting to be moved to the oncology floor. How could I. How could this happen? This is the woman who is my ENTIRE world. She taught me everything. She grew me up. Taught me everything I know. Without her I would have not survived  Without her I would be an orphan. Without her I would be incomplete. She is a beautiful woman, strong, courageous, my mentor. I love her. I cant wait till she gets better.

We have yet to 100% find out where the cancer is coming from but they think it is from the uterus (which they removed). (The cancer has moved to the lung).  She has an appointment with the oncologist on the 30th.

So now you know how my last three weeks have gone. I have been running back and forth to mom’s house to see her with the baby. The baby is good medicine to her. I love my daughter and I hope to be here for a long time for her so I really plan to start changing my lifestyle.

I bought this book to share with my mom called the cancer-fighting kitchen and it has a bunch of cancer fighting foods in it. I would like to make something out of it once a week at least and phase out my diet to include healthy foods. I also will promise myself to get my pap done every year for my mom’s sanity sake.

I start school in a few months… days are just flying by. Feed, burp, change poop, bathe. Theres no time for anything else, I barely get time to take a shower. I love it all so much, it is just stressful and very very sleep depriving. I dont remember a night where I got more than 4 hours of sleep (broken up or not).

At least we have a good baby… except for some colic shes adorable and barely makes trouble.

Motherhood

September is drawing near, VERY fast. So much is happening. I have been so anxious of course, you all know that, that is me.

September used to be one of my favorite months. Its the coming of fall (although in Florida its just another HOT month). Its my birthday. (this year is my 21st birthday- Im OFFICIALLY a big girl?!!!?!!!). But this year… It is my son’s first birthday. I want to think of it as a happy day but every time I look at the 25th on the calendar (exactly, to the day, 3 weeks past my birthday), I cry. How in the world has it been a year since I saw my son?

I told Steven last night, … I think I might take a couple days off around the 25th so Im not emotional at work. He dosnt understand. He said, “why are you sad, you have a new baby on the way?”…. Really? Really?….. I just really miss him. I knew it wouldnt but in my head I thought, this baby has to make up a little bit for Seth passing away…. it does not. Its just harder.

I think more often about being a young mom. This is what I wanted. I went to specialists to try and plan a healthy pregnancy, I begged my husband to start trying again. And now… well, Im scared. I still have to finish school, get a home, its nerve wracking living pay check to pay check, being the one to carry the full time regular paycheck, and I wanted a child? God will grant me the sanity and strength because he obviously meant for it to happen. I have to remember that there were 7 long months in between Seth and this baby in which I really expected to be pregnant and when April came I had no expectation at all. I dont even remember doing anything to make a baby to be honest lol.

I want a full term healthy baby. It will happen. I cant believe that I will be coming home with a baby In January and I will have a baby to put in the crib and show off, teach, take care of, love on, spoil.

I have been thinking about telling my mom how much I appreciate her since I had Seth last year. Im not a mushy person, I hate crying in front of people but I never said a real thank you to my mom.

Mom,

I never could have imagined how much a child means to their mother till I had Seth. I remember all of those angsty teen nights in which I was so angry at you for taking things away from me, being upset that I was moving out, getting married, moving on. I took the last years of my childhood away from you and I am sorry. I cannot believe all of the grief that I gave you and I never understood, I never knew that you could love anyone more than any other person or thing in the world. A child produces a very special kind of love, a love that literally hurts, its overwhelming how much you need them when you think its all about them depending on you.

Thank you for putting up with me. For letting me go with less grief than what Im sure I will give my child. I now see how hard it is to let them go.  I see how hard it is to let them grow up and be an adult. I cant imagine my baby being an adult, on the same level as me, making their own decisions and seeing them less. Going from living with them every day to letting go every day. Less calls, less visits…. it’s not something I want to think about. Thank you mom for giving up your life to raise us. Thanks for giving it your all, providing everything, and giving us everything we ever wanted. It is amazing that you gave up so much to give us so much. I can never express my full appreciation now that I have become a mom.

You are strong, beautiful, and can do anything. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hollie berry.

 

-Stay safe rainbow.

Heres to another morning (sickness)

I think I did well on my physics midterm!Ill find out this morning, if I ever get there. i have 20 minutes till I have to leave and I cant get up, UGH. I am trying so hard to eat but Im just pushing my food around like a child. Im starving but the smell and taste of anything, I gag at just seeing it. I have been just looking at my food crying for ten minutes. sooo hungry.

Im glad I have today off, although I have to clean, grocery shop, and study…. at least I can do it on my own time after school today cause I just feel like throwing up all over.

Stay Safe Rainbow.

P.S.- I took in all of the boxes, blankets and hats that we made for the hospital stillbirths and the nurses loved them they were so greatful. They said that everyone forgets about their mom and baby unit (at the hospital I work at) because most people send their donations to the childrens hospital in town. It felt so good to do something good and the nurses were beyond excited, their faces lit up and she kept saying, you dont know what it means to these women to have these. To avoid my crying hormones, I smiled and said, … I know. and turned around and walked away as they scrummaged through their goodies. Thank God for such a compassionate heart.

Mothers day

So Im here to write a blog since midterms are monday and I doubt I’ll be back till around next weekend.

Today I was thinking in the shower, this is such a bittersweet season for me. Mothers day is this Sunday and My first son who made me a mother will not be here to make me happy. Seth made me a mom. He groomed me for 8 months into a woman and past childhood. He opened my eyes to love and gratefulness. He was the star in my eyes last mothers day while he was in my tummy. I will never forget him. He is my son and my baby. If I could talk to him I would let him know that in no way do I feel like this child replaces him at all, I would not have been a mother if it wasnt for him and I surely would not have this baby if it wasnt for him because we didn’t want children for a LOOOONG time before he came along.

I dont feel guilty, just sad that he is not here. I am sooo sooo sooo thankful that rainbow is here now. I am beyond excited, its all I think about. I cant believe sometimes that I’m pregnant again. I have been getting some small classic symptoms. Stuffy nose (REALLY stuffy lol), very slight wooziness, and of course today is 5 weeks and my tummy is starting to poke a little. I hear that your second baby you become bigger fast, is that true? I feel like it! At 5 weeks I look like I did when I was 13 weeks. I have not gained weight, just a poochy stomach.

Im so thankful that God chose me, now, to have this baby. My whole life will change. I went back and looked at Seths ultrasounds and my bump pictures and all I can think about is how exciting that was!

It is slightly a different type of excited. Its more reserved. I thought last time, Im young and healthy nothing will seriously EVER happen to my pregnancy and then God woke me up. Now I have a hard time thinking about my future with rainbow because I dont want to be disappointed. Im just so ready, this is going to be a long 35 weeks lol.

This is my 20 week ultrasound of Seth.

Thank you for making me a mother baby boy. Even though you are not here, You are my life, the only reason I get up.

…<3 stay safe Rainbow.

Lil Angels Hankies

Things have been going very well (besides school, we’ll see how I’m doing after Monday when my first quiz is over). I wanted to share with you guys this ministry that makes tangible hankies for mothers who have lost their babies. Their name is Lil Angels Hankies Inc. and it costs about $2 to make and package a hankie for someone. She dosnt require the mother to pay anything but every little donation from anyone is accepted of course.

http://www.lilangelshankies.com/

http://www.facebook.com/lilangelshankies

anyways, Im just excited to have mine and thought I would share.

The woman who runs this charity wrote this poem and it is the exact feelings that I have ever experienced. (Ive changed like one word to fit our family lol)

With Angels He Flew

by Tricia Pyatt

I cried for joy when I saw the pink lines

We’d waited and waited for such a long time

People gave gifts to show their delight

I could barely get any sleep at night

I was so excited to experience this life

I felt like I finally had someting right

The family I’d dreamed of for so many years

was worth the wait, and was finally here

Then in an instant, the joy was gone

I went to the doctor because something was wrong

He said not to worry, it would all be ok

But he was wrong and my baby left me that day

My heart aches for the child I never knew

He was once in my womb then with angels he flew

I’m sure he’s in heaven having a ball

with Jesus, the greatest Daddy of all

I can’t wait for the day that I see my child

He’ll run to me quick with his arms open wide

I love him as much as I love my new son

but he’ll forever be my very first one

He holds a very special place in my heart

He made me a mommy, though his time was cut short

My dream has come true and my family is great

I have 1 kid in heaven, my arrival he awaits

Someday we’ll be together and he’ll sit on my lap

and Ill mother the child that this earth never had

Thank you so much for doing what you do.

This is for you

Ever since I have joined this unwanted sorority of lost moms, I have found that stillbirth and misscarraige is happening every day, more than any of us wants it to. I have been invited to forums, blogs, facebook pages, faces of loss pen pal program, and other online coping programs but the loss is so great. It seems like almost every day another woman is struck again. It is burdening, it is aching. I wish I could do something about it. I have been so blind to how many children will be in heaven. I just imagine a handful, but this heavenly nursery must be overflowing! It is a heavy feeling. It is sad. And to know that most of these women have gone through it once before this time, … is scary.

God have mercy. Us women, we are broken. We are tired. We are hoping for our children, excitedly waiting. so many of us have problems having children and yet I know many a 16 year olds who cant take care of a baby for their life that are having them… why?…

sometimes we don’t get an answer.

I hope in time, we can do something to better support each other. This is for you faces of loss, women of empty arms, mothers of the childrenless.

Memorial Stone In

While you post pictures of your baby growing up every year, I post pictures of this stone growing old and weathered.

I am very excited that it finally came in, the ground was so barren without anything there. BUT- someone stole the vase!!!! I have been looking forward to leaving flowers and someone had the nerve to steal the copper vase from my baby boy’s grave! How can someone do that?! You obviously see its my baby there!

Today has been hard. I was at work alone, everyone at the hospital this weekend (staff and patients) were in a CRAPPY mood. I heard everyones junk all day. Im getting stuck with some crappy shifts. Im just tired of it all. I have a good job but Im tired of working, Im tired of putting up with crap, Im tired of listening to others peoples worries when MY BABY is GONE. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see I’m still going through something here and you are still throwing junk on me like nothing ever happened. I have enough crap to put up with at home and work, I just dont want to deal with it. I need vacation to come like no tomorrow. Im just tired of it.

I got off work and sat in the car for 5 minutes crying before I pulled out of the parking spot I was in. It sounds annoying just typing about it… Im in a BAD mood, Im depressed, Im angry, Im very emotional…. just depressed. I dont have the energy to do ANYTHING, the house is a mess, the bills are overwhelming, I dont want to exercise anymore, and nothings easy. I have pain all over, stress, anxiety.

On the way from work to the cemetery, I just cried, and hyper-ventilated. I pulled in and ran to Seth’s grave, stumbling  and wailing like it was the first day he was laid there. as I wiped the blurry tears from my eyes his stone came into focus. This was a surprise, I haven’t seen it before, it must have just come in. After 4 months and eight days, it came in. I loudly weeped over that stone and didnt care if one person was around. I sat there in my work scrubs, knees on the dirt, crying. The sun shined around the tree and hit my back so I just layed down. when I sat up and looked there was a maintenance man across the lawn starring, he quickly turned his head. I didnt care, I dont care.

Im just so tired of everything else. Nothing else matters. When you have a child nothing else matters. When you have a child that dies, nothing else matters EVER again. I am sick to my stomach to hear complaining, whining. Its just sad. The pictures of my son will never be a face,a baby, a license picture, a man in a wedding, a family….I will not have that opportunity with my Seth. We do not have the means for a child right now and it brings bitterness but what are you going to do.

Happy “supposed to be birthday” son, mommy loves you.

Warning: girl material ahead.

I dont know why I thought this would be easier. Im a mess. I looked awful today. My face is swollen and my eyes are red with black bags under them.  I’ve probably lost a whole week of sleep in these past two weeks.

Of course I started my period today, The day before Seth’s “supposed to be birthday”. An ugly reminder that I’m not pregnant anymore. I’m not a mom anymore. I feel so sick. I feel so emotional. I have an upset stomach and I’m not hungry at all.

I’ve been angry. Steven is working out of town of course and he keeps leading me on that he is coming home and then doesn’t show up, he all of a sudden finds more work. Its nice, we need the work and income but I’m dying. I want to be a normal husband and wife where we get to see each other every night . I want to see him every day. I want to sleep in the same room, not 300 miles away.  I want to go on vacations together. I want to work on having another kid, that will NEVER happen with him working out of town.  I have this fear that we just wont have kids…. Im just so angry at him. I just feel like nothing is working in my favor.

I should not complain. I have so much to be grateful for. Its just so hard when this day is here tomorrow and I will be all by myself, and then go to a wedding at which I will cry because I’m already emotional. I just want to lay in bed tomorrow.

Will my life ever get normal God? Im ok with a normal boring life, thats ok really, it is!

I miss being a teenager, I miss dating Steven, I miss having bonfires on cool nights, I miss being pregnant.

Nothing is going to make me feel better tonight and tomorrow.

Dear Seth Andrew Copeland,

You were so beautiful on your birthday. There were so many people there that loved you. As emotionally painful as it was I would trade everything to relive that day that I got to have you and hold you. I am in a lot more pain today than I have ever been in this last month and a half. You were a big boy. You had your daddy’s olive skin. You were tall and had your moms awkwardly long fingers and toes.

Your head was perfectly round and beautiful, just right for the shape and size of your body. Your skin was soft, your hands were tiny.. I wanted to see your eyes. I cry because of what I never had. I had all these dreams for you. I dreamed of you playing in the back yard. I dreamed you were a mommas boy who loved to get dirty like your dad. I dreamed you would build rock castles in the gravel in the yard. I dreamed you would ride the tractor with daddy and work on his truck. I dreamed you would make motor noises like your dad. I dreamed you would love school like your momma. I dreamed you would have that nice healthy dark hair. I just wanted to watch you grow up. I wanted you to run to mommy for all of your boo boo’s. I wanted you to confide in me with all of your silly childhood secrets. I wanted to watch you graduate and get married and have children. I thought of these things many months before I ever met you. You were on my mind from the time I saw that digital “pregnant” reading on that stick in the bathroom sink.  I heard friends stories of having their babies and I couldn’t wait! I don’t like being this kind of mom. God knew you when he knit you together and He had a plan for you. I kept a journal for you to have when you got older. Every so often during my pregnancy I wrote you a letter about all my symptoms and your moves and my thoughts. I’m sure I threw it away when I came home from the hospital. Dad looked so amazed by you, I loved watching him hold you. His eyes and heart were so big as he bundled you up and looked at your sleeping face.You were dressed in a blue monkey outfit. Its funny I was just talking that week about how I didnt like monkeys but yet I had bought you a jungle themed crib set with monkey things in the room lol. You know if you ever wanted to come back, mommy would take you, I would say sorry for not fixing this awful boo boo before I did. Happy birthday my baby boy.