Thank Goodness

Things are getting back to normal. I am functioning at normal pregnancy speed (which isnt fast but wayyyy faster than ear infection speed). The infection is still there but my ear is not throbbing and I can eat. Now all I have to do is get my hearing back and get rid of the little bit of soreness and itching– YAY- I dont feel like death anymore!

On another note, today is the day that ALL women have been waiting for. MAGIC MIKE is in theaters TODAY YAYYYYY! Ok, Im showing my youth off (lol) but I first saw Channing Tatum in the movies on my 16th birthday when the girls from church took me to see Step Up… It was LOVE at first sight! lol. Ok, at least on my end. Ever since then I have watched almost every movie that he has ever been in and I LOVE him. I have to admit, hes not the best actor, but hes the hottest one! Sooo… yeah, after work, me + Mike = heaven. Cant wait!

Steven has been in a grumpy mood so Ive been ignoring him lol, thats always fun, but at least it keeps me from getting in a grumpy mood. He’ll come out of it, Im sure he’s stressed. I miss spending time with him but with our work schedules the only time we see each other is when his sleep talk (or mine) wakes each other up at night. sad… He wakes up early and has odd jobs to do (while Im sleeping) and I come home at 11pm and he’s in bed.

I vow to thread my sewing machine today. I wish I had a little hologram that could sit next to me and tell me what to do. Once I thread the machine, I have NO CLUE what to do next ????? It has been 11 years since Ive looked at a sewing machine :(. I WILL conquer this like I did crocheting because I want to make cool things. I think this is a cool and an easy first project and Im excited.

I got the pattern here from pinterest. Its an owl rice pack!

http://justanotherhangup.blogspot.com/2011/02/love-birds-or-rice-filled-heating-pads.html

It looks sooo awesome! successfully completing this will help me feel more comfortable doing bigger things. My goal is to make some sundresses for my pregnancy (since they are sooooo friggin expensive). I bought the pattern for the sundresses online, it should be coming through the mail in a few days, heres the dresses that I cant wait to make (the long ones, keep in mind you can change the tops to match whatever bottom length you want)

WOOT. :)…

enough excitement for one day,

OH AND its the weekend!

later gators.

-Stay safe Rainbow

Ear update

Ok, I think I am just getting used to the pain. The throbbing, the feeling of my head exploding, it is becoming normal. I have been temporarily deaf though for a few days. I cannot hear anything unless you are YELLING in my ear. Its hard to work like that.

I work in the hospital, and in the ER every other day so I stopped a doctor in the ER and asked if he would look at my ears. He said well, both ears are badly infected and those are the worst ears I have ever seen, they look like s—….. Then he proceeded to say, Im a little worried that you have a malignant condition, let me look up some medication that you are aloud to have. He found some ear drops that were different from the ones Im taking and told me “please go see an ear doctor after this is cleared up or if its not starting to feel better in 5 days”…

That makes me worry. I have always had bad ear problems but I never thought it was tumorous or cancerous. Ive had so many weird problems with this pregnancy its making me very scared. Im trying to keep my thoughts positive. I have my hypnobirthing material at my moms house, I just have to go get it now, maybe that will soothe me.

So anyways, Im praying that this new medicine that the ER doctor suggested started kicking in, clears things up and all will be well at the ear doctor, because I will go after this infection clears a little.

Ive been thinking a lot about my rainbow baby. I am desperate to feel kicks and start experiencing the baby. I am 12 weeks and my throwing up has subsided. I dont know if that is because Ive been in so much pain I havnt even considered throwing up or if the morning sickness is actually gone. Last time it did not leave till about 25 weeks or so.

Im a little worried. I know Tylenol is safe for pregnancy but Im still worried. I took it around the clock for two days and now I am forcing myself only to take it at night when I go to bed.

Steven has been, of course tired of me.

Sometimes I feel so guilty. I feel like I dont care about anyone but myself. Maybe I wont be a good mom or wife. Did God take Seth away because of my attitude?

I just hope the baby is ok, I dont feel pregnant anymore. Ive lost so much weight this week that my bump is completely gone now and not being sick dosnt make me feel any better about the baby.

I have a specialist appointment on the third and then my ob appointment the next week on the 12th of July. As far as I know, they will both do ultrasounds. I cant wait till this next one cause Ive just been worried with how Im feeling. I did call my OB yesterday and they sounded very sympathetic for my pain but very unconcerned. She said to just drink soups and take the ear drops that the ER doctor told me to take.

Im hungry… gonna start getting ready for work, wish me luck, I feel stupid when I cant hear my patients or other nurses that are in the room.

Stay safe rainbow.

Chaos ensues …why?

Seriously God, Why me? Im so angry. I had a doctors appointment today and because of the stupid storm the office has no power. I was so looking forward to this appointment because I am MISERABLE. My other ear is now beginning to ache and if I put ear drops in that ear I will lose all hearing which means I cant work for the rest of the week (bye bye baby’s PTO time). My ear that has the bad infection is not even 1% better. I stayed up all night crying, there is so much pressure in my neck, throat, ear, cheek, and forhead, I feel like my face is going to explode.

My husband is sick of me being sick and he’s not being so nice anymore. I honestly want to go to the hospital and stay there to make sure baby is ok. Ive lost 4 pounds in 3 days because my jaw is locked up and I cant eat. But people in the ER will look at me like im crazy cause im there with an ear infection, unfortunately I know how it is cause I work there.

Why is this week turning into a giant pit hole? I am so desperate to feel better. I would stand on my head if it made me better.

middle of the night plea

I feel so bad coming onto my blog and whining but this ear pain is the worst thing I have EVER experienced. I can handle most pain but I cant handle this. This is day two of no sleep and I am sitting on my couch at 2 am crying so hard that I am hyperventilating. I just want to sleep so bad but Ive never been in this much pain before, Im not lying when I say I would rather have a baby than have this ear infection. I have caved and been taking 2 extra strength tylenol around the clock but it is not even touch the pain…. I just want it to go away. I want to sleep and feel better, I cant wait 4 days for these stupid ear drops to start working. I need pain relief so bad. I have to go to the maternal fetal medicine doctor on Tuesday at 8 AM and then work 2-10, how can I do that with 3 days of no sleep?

Im praying so hard right now, I dont know what to do, Ive never felt so helpless. All I can hear is loud thumping, my hearing is completely gone, my jaw wont open so I cant eat, and the whole left side of my face is swollen like someone hit (but no one did, except a nasty infection).  I just want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over. What am I gonna do through these night hours (besides get struck by violent morning sickness cause Im hungry and cant eat)? All I can do is sit through each minute watching time crawl.

 

Im trying to be strong. I know I cant take anything for the baby’s sake but I feel so close to chopping off my ear, ugh. How could it get this bad? at least last time Tylenol eased the pain so I could sleep through the night, this time when I take it, its like I never really took it, I feel NO lessening of pain at all.

Sorry for whining, I just need to vent…

Ear infection again?

Im writing this to keep myself from killing myself lol… Ok that was a joke, dont start freaking out.

I totally have a non-pregnancy related ear infection. It has given me a fever and I feel like CRAP. My ear is throbbing, It hurts to talk or move my head in ANY way. Im not lying, this is worse pain than labor, IT IS! I cant open my mouth, I cant chew food, and I am in the worst pain I have ever been in. I feel so much pressure on the whole left side of my face, I feel like a baby is going to come out of my ear! I dont have any tylenol but either way my doctor told me not to take it cause my liver isnt exactly functioning all that great. I just want some pain relief.

Steven has been SOO good to me today. He took me to the doctor, thank God convenient care is open on Sunday! Then he took me to get my prescription filled, tried to take me to eat, tucked me in when we got home, and applied a hot pack to my face every hour with my ear drops for a few hours. Im trying to stay up because I really want to sleep tonight, I didnt at all last night and I just need a break from some of the pain.

Oh dear Lord, get this infection out of my ear, I cant do anything but lay here and cry.

 

11 weeks today

It is a very rough day. I have been throwing up every morning since last Sunday. I have definitely gotten more sick with this pregnancy than the last one now that Im getting further along. I am 11 weeks today and as sick as a dog and I do NOT want to go to work today I just feel weak and sick, like Im gonna throw up all night.

anyways, with all of this sickness, I have a baby that I am so thankful for that it brings me to tears. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he did another ultrasound.

At 10 weeks and 5 days my baby looks like a baby now. I just feel like it is a he, I have no doubts but who knows. Lets call him a he for now lol.

He was kicking and punching and rolling like crazy! The doctor even talked in a baby voice and said “look at that healthy baby!” lol. The heart rate was 158. I was so excited I forgot about throwing up that morning, (and every morning before that) and I just cooed over my baby. Im so thankful.

I go to see the specialist at Maternal Fetal Medicine on Tuesday, Ill be 2 days shy of 12 weeks. Im almost sure they’ll do an ultrasound and do some more testing. I get to see the same doctor who checked me for my pre-conception visit and did all my kidney and liver testing.

Anyways, I have to go prepare myself for work. I hope its an easy night.

Stay safe rainbow.

Baby brain messing me up

I am very grateful to be pregnant again but it stresses my body a lot. You forget sometimes the toll that comes along with pregnancy. Mentally for me it is a very big struggle to be pregnant and I have noticed it a lot in the last couple of days. My itching is so out of hand. My mind is racing all of the time and I cant think straight let alone talk, I cant get words to come out of my mouth, I am nervous and shaking all of the time, I just feel like a 2 year old who cant think for themselves. I know its a normal part of pregnancy but for me its the worst. I can deal with the physical symptoms that come with pregnancy but I have a very hard time dealing with the hormonal mental side of it. After this baby, it will be a very long time before we have another. Two years of being pregnant is enough, its just too much for my anxiety and mental state, it makes me feel like a nutcase.

My morning sickness has gone away and I have been trying to enjoy all of this but when one thing goes away (I should know), another symptom comes on.

Im just ready for some ways to get rid of my anxiety. Steven said he wants to take me somewhere every weekend, we can just pack up and drive till we find something fun to do. Thats nice but this weekend we are busy and next weekend I work. I just need a break… bad. I should have taken some time of work this month but Im trying to save all of my PTO for the baby. I only made 60 hours PTO in the last 4 months and I wanted to take 12 weeks off but it looks like I will only have a little over a month saved up by the time the baby is here.

Every day is more anxiety filled. I have terrible dreams, I am sore and emotional and just want to cry all of the time. My husband is a very stern and non-emotional man so I just feel like sometimes he walks away from me when Im feeling this way and thats when I need him the most. I understand, its how he deals with all of this.  Every day I am one day closer to seeing my baby. But I am one day closer to a doctors appointment, a result, a hospital visit. Its just so scary not knowing whats going to happen and not to have that first time naive pregnancy feeling. I miss that, feeling invincible. Now I feel like a real adult because I feel like anything could hit me and end my life or the babies life at any moment. I know that is such negative thinking, I dont think that all of the time but it is what nature has bestowed upon me after I realized from Seth that nothing is impossible. I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday so I hope that all goes well.

Cant wait for the weekend. I need to clean all day Saturday (ugh), and go to a wedding on Sunday.

Stay safe Rainbow.

 

Children and life

I find myself watching TLC a lot of mornings, there are some sad and interesting shows about children with disabilities.

Although no one wishes that for their child and I pray that God gives me a very healthy baby, there is no way I could not love a child who had a disability. I tried to tell a friend once before they had a baby, the love for your child is so overwhelming. Its something that you have never felt before. You will never feel this much love for anyone else. It changes your life.

A child is a gift and no matter what they look like or how they are born, they are your pride and joy, special, beautiful.

I told Steven last night. I have anxiety about this pregnancy of course. I have a hard time moving already (which means housework dosnt always get done, which means some people arent happy since this isnt all our house), I get lightheaded, Im nervous about our very tight living quarters. I itch all of the time. I am just nervous. Although I wish I had some more days off work, I could not live without work keeping my mind busy right now.

Thankfully Steven has been helping me with cleaning a lot and making food at night. He has been nesting lol. Im so happy that he is subtly telling me that he is happy about the baby. He rubs my belly at night when I come home from work, he cleans the house when I dont say anything.  Im thankful.

I hope work goes by fast tonight. I have to work in the ER. My hips hurt so bad and its painful to walk..

Stay safe rainbow.

Aquarium

So today Steven, I and baby in my tummy are going to see the aquarium, its 2 hours away but I found tickets on living social.com for half price and Im so excited, I LOVE aquariums. I would have gotten married in one if I would have gotten out more by the age of 18 but I never knew that they existed at 18  when I got married lol (I lied, I had been to one up north but never knew any were around here, who’d a thunk there was one in a peninsula state surrounded by water lol) anyways, 🙂 I think it will be fun.

I am feeling kind of queasy today.  I dont know if its my nerves but Im itching and my joints hurt… yet again… so I guess when I go see my OB on the 19th Ill ask if there are any blood tests they can do to see if anything is going on. I doubt its my nerves if this has been going on for a year now. Ive had panic attacks before and nothing like this accommodated them so who knows. I turned 9 weeks yesterday in a minimum of 7 more weeks they can tell me what we are having when I go to the high risk doctor.

I havnt been sleeping well, I know its the pregnancy, I remember from last time. Its just hard. All I want is to go to sleep and sleep a whole night through before my adorable baby comes and that occurs no more :). I probably wake up every 30 minutes from the time I go to bed till I wake up (and pee 3 times a night), that is NO sound sleep at all.

I finally got the ambition to start crocheting again. Since class ended I have wanted to but I just needed the down time so now Im trying to do some more again. I cant wait to finish this project. its a purse with 2 pockets in the front and a long strap made with grey tweed yarn. fun.

Went to dinner at a friends house last night. that was fun. Her wedding is next Sunday (yes that is father’s day). Cant wait to go, I havnt been excited to go to a wedding in a long time … Not that Im forgetting Seth (AT ALL) but life is starting to move forward more and Things are becoming slightly easier (on certain days at least).

Speaking of father’s day. My daddy died when I was just about to turn 5 in a car accident. I remember him dearly. I remember him at the sweet prime age he was, his warm hugs, his big old body that I would lay on top of for nap time, and his gentle voice. I dont ever remember hearing him raise his voice. For such a big guy he was handsome and quiet. He was my dad. I remember his funeral. I remember him all the way. I will miss him this father’s day like any other fathers day. He’s in my heart.

A normal old day

I know I haven’t posted in a while but I havnt felt motivated. Nothing is getting done in my house. Its a mess. Im tired. Im hungry. Im sick all the time. Its kind of crappy to be honest but I cant complain so I wont any further.

I’ve just been feeling blah lately. I would love to go somewhere and do something. I really wish I could have a vacation before the baby comes but that is not going to happen. Its hard making the bills let alone doing anything fun when the boys don’t have any work scheduled.

Its hard, I want to be supportive of my husband going after his dreams and owning his own business but in his type of work its all contracts and subject to be taken away at any moment. Its hard. We cant get our own house or plan our own vacations because we may have money this month and literally nothing to scrape by on next month. I wish he could just go back to working a normal job like the rest of us so we can get our own place for the baby’s sake. Its hard. Its humbling. But I love my husband and I will support his dreams. Till the baby comes- then he knows he has to do something cause I will not be able to work full time anymore because school will be starting for me.

The days have been long and its hard for me to get up out of bed. I work 2pm-10pm and I dont get out of bed till 11. That means I have 2 hours to eat and get ready (nothing else gets done unfortunately) and then my day is shot, it sucks. Im just anxious and I deal with anxiety best by sleeping cause then I dont have to think about it. Plus, Im a little stressed about work. I work with the most crazed dementia man I have ever had to deal with. The sound of his voice makes me want to smack him. All he does is complain for 8 hours straight UGH. He’ll be gone for two weeks on vacation starting next week (Thank God) but one of those weeks no one is there to cover and pregnant fat hungry lady cant do it all without getting cranky so we’ll see how well I handle that.

idk… as you can tell my mood is crappy so Ill get going. Trying to be grateful when things are just a big jumbled mess.

❤

Stay safe rainbow.